They’re all around us and they’re growing, reproducing, proliferating. Hiding behind the cloak of corporate unaccountability, they seem to be untouchable and unstoppable.
1. Free accidental death insurance. This one came from my bank, a dignified, historic institution that is trying to give me $1000.00 worth of free accident insurance. Of course, I am free to purchase considerably more of this "valuable coverage." I’ll be sure to hear from them, often. The letters are signed by a bank Vice President, whom the bank seems to have never heard of. Since it is difficult to penetrate the corporate wall of voice mail, hang-ups, "I don’t know’s" and dead ends, it’s hard to figure out what this is all about. My guess is that it is a way for the bank to open a new revenue stream by partnering with an aggressive third party. (The letters come from somewhere in the Midwest.)
This accident insurance duplicates coverage most people already have. The probability that one will die in an accident is very small compared to what the company gleans in upgrades and mail leads.
2. "Operator Service Providers". Buried in my telephone bill is a charge of $4.21 for a two-minute local call! Trying to reach "Zero Plus," the billing party, resulted in the following excuses:
I did reach the O.S.P. by searching the ProPhoneÔ database. I found out that since I had used my AT&T calling card, they had "appropriated" my billing number, charged me a pro-rated membership fee, and a fee for an operator-assisted call!
The Federal Communications Commission told me that there must be a label on the telephone explaining that this pay telephone has a certain O.S.P.. (What would you say the life of a label on a pay telephone would be?) They don’t tell you that a credit-card call is considered "operator assisted" (and the O.S.P. may charge its highest fee) and your number, as part of your credit-card number can be "snatched" by the O.S.P. and used for billing!
The only reason I can think of for these "O.S.P.’s" is to provide a new and creative way to make money by designing a service so complex and convoluted that the average person just sighs and pays the bill. I have yet to try the FCC solution, which is to dial "10" plus my O.S.P.’s code. It should really be the other way around: You should have to do something only if you do not desire to use your own service!
3. Valet Parking. Once offered as a service at busy downtown restaurants and places where parking is difficult, it has blossomed into a new revenue stream. It’s not that I’m against valet parking, I’m simply against it where it is unnecessary. More and more I’m seeing spacious parking lots coned off. Only valet parking ($3.75) is available. I’d prefer to park my own car when possible, thank you. For those who wish to use it, valet parking is fine, just don’t require it.
4. Ticket Agencies. They add a fee to each ticket purchased, a significant fee. The service they offer is to allow you to purchase a ticket over the telephone by credit card. Seems to me that this service allows the promoter to cut down on box office and accounting staff. The service is provided to the promoter, but we pay for it. The ability to purchase a ticket at the box office is a hallowed tradition that shouldn’t be taken away. It’s especially vexing when the "venue" is only a few blocks away. There are all kinds of ways to reserve seats and pay for tickets that could be implemented without this unnecessary revenue stream.
Wow! Am I lucky! I just purchased two concert tickets (at $27.75 each) and have been privileged to pay Ticketmaster a $6.50 "convenience fee" and a $2.30 "handling charge." Lessee: hummm, that's $8.80, which is only 16%, a small percentage to pay Ticketmaster for the convenience of being able to take my ticket order on-line and eliminate some of those pesky employees! I hope they pass on some of this award to the theater. Maybe they'll clean the bathrooms.
5. As a Valued, Valued Unocal Customer, I am being rewarded with POINTS!! WOW!! Every time I purchase gas at Unocal, I am honored with these POINTS which will allow me to purchase ITEMS selected from over 100,000 Name Brands!! WOW!! Unfortunately, I will not be able to select from items, let's say, at Price Club. I will have to take THEIR WORD on the price. (The print gets smaller): I am limited to $200.00 worth of discounts, limited to 10% per item per year, and for this great privilege, I GET TO PAY $60.00 a year! Hmmm. Here's my question, Unocal: Why can't I apply my discount to a purchase from my favorite warehouse store - I'll send you my receipt, and you send me a voucher for 10% of the amount in gasoline. How about THAT??
I can't understand how Texaco, Shell and Unocal can "offer" a "Gold Card" for absolutely free that provides services that are normally free, and charge $25.00? Any ideas?
My staid and respectable bank is still trying to telemarket me with accident insurance, magazines, etc. Perhaps when I'm older, I'll stay on the phone and order just for the attention - Is this what they're really looking for? Bank of America reduced the size/printing on their bills - a "service" for ecology? I'll bet they're saving money, and I can barely read the small print!
6. Here's another BEAUT! On the backside of a credit-card payment envelope is a FREE GIFT for a Valued, Valued Customer. I will receive, absolutely FREE one or 12 of my choice of FREE GIFTS: A pen and pencil set (Value, I estimate: 65 cents), a GENUINE PLASTIC WALLET!! (Value, I estimate: 35 cents.) I need only enclose $5.95 "shipping and handling" for EACH FREE GIFT. Even if they threw all twelve FREE GIFTS in a priority mail envelope, the cost of shipping would be three dollars. I never knew there could be a profit in free gifts.
7. How about "compact" parking spaces? Zoning regulations require a certain number of parking spaces to be provided. By "downsizing," more spaces can be added - spaces that are difficult to use and just add to the "ding" problem. No matter what size vehicle you have, you're going to head for the one with the most space. Most drivers aren't proficient enough to squeeze in and out of these spaces - yet we're made to feel guilty, or even fined if we use them improperly!
8. Received a call today from "Sears." It sounded like an interesting offer - insurance to cover the deductible on my homeowner's. The caller admitted that she couldn't tell me much about the insurance - she didn't know. She wasn't even working for Sears! I told her to send me the information, I'd read the fine print and let her know. She gladly said she'd send me her offer - a thirty day trial. I explained that I wouldn't commit to anything until I fully understood it. "You'll have to call Sears," she replied. "Hey," I said, "You called me!"
Heavens! Even banks and honored corporations are not above deception and flim-flam, and legal or not, it's an obvious play on our naivete and gullibility, and the new definition of "Valued Customer" is "Sucker!"
Someone is forgetting that we’re paying for this! The irony is that we aren’t entitled to an accounting of just what service our money is providing.
"USP’s" prey on the elderly and unsophisticated and take advantage of our reluctance to spend time on complicated "fine print" and instructions for minor priorities. It’s as if the person at the other end of the ‘phone is hoping you’ll decide not to waste your time smacking your head on the USP’s stone wall.
9. Surveys: They call you up and tell you they're from "the health department," or "the committee for low cost mortgages" or some "official sounding" outfit. It's the vocal equivalent to the envelope you receive in the mail that looks like a tax refund - only it's a solicitation for a high-interest loan, or desert real estate, etc.
They want you to "take a simple survey" to provide "important information." Part of the spiel is "we aren't selling anything," but they really are, they are counting on your ignorance and hair-splitting semantics for legitimacy. I've had so many of these calls lately, that I'm losing my patience. I'm especially worried about the elderly who have little resistance to this. I know of many older persons who have been horribly harmed by these unscrupulous telemarketers. In several cases, we contacted the state Attorneys General, but many of these operations operate vaguely just "within the law."
I received three calls taking a survey for the "California Department of Health." (In California it's actually called "Health Services," and they knew nothing about a survey.) When I confronted the surveyors on the second call, they said they were calling on "behalf" of the "Department of Health." The third time, they gave me a number to call to verify that they were from the "Department of Health." It was a crappy sounding answering machine with a spiel not unlike that given by the bay area telemarketer who was making these calls. Imagine the information they could collect if we were gullible enough to provide it.
I have a solution that has worked. I charge to be surveyed. It's totally legitimate, after all, they're using your time and information. Mostly, they just gasp and hang up, but if they don't, get their address and send the price list provided by Outadaloop, and the Independent Survey Respondents of America. If you end up making some dough, remember to send a small commission to Outadaloop!
10. (Rebates) My mother collected Eagle stamps. As we went through the revolving door of the May Company, she would fold the adhesive-backed pseudo-currency into her change purse. It said "value .01 cents." The only gas station my father would consider was one that gave Eagle stamps. After a fill-up, there would be a long roll of stamps.
On Sunday afternoon, the entire family would gather to paste the stamps into books. I remember being unbelievably frustrated when I couldn’t finish a book, "value: $2.50." When we had several books, off we’d go to the "Eagle Stamp Redemption Store." This store was filled with items you’d never just "buy": Silent Valets (15 Books), Lion-footed Ash Trays (10 Books), Porcelain Pressure Cookers decorated with Gilded Geese (75 books). There was nothing, and I mean nothing of any practical value.
Then, one day, it happened. We all woke up and realized we were actually paying for Eagle Stamps. Stores began to advertise: "No stamps. We pass the savings on to you." That was the end of Eagle Stamps. However, not the end of the naïve consumer.
What is this stuff with rebates? I just finished filling in a whole book of rebates, carefully following the instructions. I still have rebate coupons for the camcorder batteries I purchased. The requirements are so complex and detailed, I just keep putting off sending for the rebates. They want my original receipt, so, if the batteries fail, I won’t have the receipt to return them. I have to get the receipt copied, enclose the rebate coupon, carefully trimmed UPC code to a specific address within the next week.
Is this what rebates are all about? Inconvenience?
Around the time of my son’s Bar Mitzvah, I learned that caterers often make their profit from overstating meals – meals charged for but not served. So, are the rebaters hoping that most people won’t go to the trouble of sending in? I know I can’t possibly have time for all the rebates. Is this why they just can’t give us the savings to start with? There’s something, somehow immoral – a company deliberately makes a condition of purchase for a specific price a difficult, complicated, inconvenient rebate procedure.
Like the book of stamps, the sellers are depending on the buyer’s naïveté. Somehow, like Eagle Stamps, we have to start shopping where the rebates are applied to the original purchase price.
11. Opt Out? When did I opt IN? Within the last few months, I have been bombarded with junk email: Multi-level marketing schemes, email list solicitations, chain letters disguised as business opportunities, Nigerian princes offering me a slice of their fortune, sexual enhancement products, etc.
In every case, I have followed the instructions to "opt out" of these mailings. I am aware of the caveat about "replying tags you as a "good" email address", but, otherwise, what "opt out" option is there? Most of the time, the "remove me" mailbox is stuffed beyond the limit, or doesn't exist. Many of these e-marketeers warn you about "stuffing" their mailbox, but I think the stuffing results from a whole lot of "opt-out-ers" just like me. But wait a minute!
Hold on, there! Is it that everyone is automatically opted - IN? Shouldn't it be the other way around? Shouldn't everyone automatically be opted OUT, and allowed to chose when and where to be opted-in? Is this some kind of obscure first amendment thing? I think I've had to opt out about 200 times in the last few months. I seem to remember something like this pertaining to junk telephone calls (telemarketing), which I find to be particularly obnoxious. I remember having to call various companies and consumer groups to opt - out. Finally, there came legislation, but I think we're confused. We should make it clear that we're automatically opted-out of EVERYTHING.
12. Enter Your Number… Okay, it’s finally reached the ridiculous. Must say I believed them in the past but now, it’s another "urban bullshit story." I call the bank, the credit card company, etc.. After wading through endless and vague menus*, the voice asks me to "enter your sixteen digit card number," then, "enter your nine-digit federal ID number," then, "enter your telephone number, area code first," then, "enter your five digit zip code.’ and so on. After a long wait, I finally reach someone who asks me all these numbers again. When I say I already entered them, they say: "My screen doesn’t get them."
Who does?
It was okay the first few times, but now, I’ve come to expect it, just as I have come to believe that no "free" offer is really free, and when someone tells me I’ve won a contest, it will cost me money. More "urban bullshit." A friend says that she responds that she doesn’t have a "touch-tonetm" telephone. However, most of the places I call don’t give this option any more. Keying in miles of numbers is a big problem for me – I transpose and skip digits and guess what happens? I’m dumped and have to call all over again. The most frightening one had me spelling out my address by pressing keys to call out each letter on the key. For instance, for the letter "v," press "8" three times! It won’t be long until you’ll be entering your longwinded complaint this way. Finally, someone will pick up the phone and make you tell it all over again.
(*just a word on vague menus: More often than one would think, I call with a request that doesn’t appear on the menu. I have to recycle and listen to these menus and then find a selection that matches – somewhat. It’s okay when there’s a "talk to a person" option – but these are becoming more and more hidden under overhanging vague options. Guess it has to do with cutting down the number of calls the cut-back work force must handle.)